As a result of current academic pursuits and related homework assignments while attending The University of Central Florida, the following is from the pen and mind of one very talented student by the name of Mr. Kenny Howard - who was legally wed, last year in California, to Mr. Barry Miller:
 
Kenny Howard
 
Religious Right
 
"Devils dressed in angels' robes, and hell presenting the semblance of paradise." **
 
Graciously, through clinched jaw,
they are no longer selling slaves.
Grasping with fire and brimstone
to their version of reality.
A shrink-wrapped, bar-coded world,
Brewed by holy baristas who have
Super-sized their potion to
maximize its attraction.
 
My small childhood church praised God
with country hymns and story-telling.
Banana Pudding and Potato Salad filled flimsy Paper plates, as we dreamed aloud of better days.
To the home of god's celestial shore,
I'll fly away.
Now Wal-Marts of the Soul pickpocket
congregations' kindness and goodwill,
replacing compassion with the fear du jour dictated by court cases on the evening news.
 
Coffers once filled with love by
Those wanting Joy for the world.
Now, fueled by Hate, money pours
into a mutant form of fellowship.
Machines of pundits instead of prayer,
Politics in lieu of peace.
Pastors who by day teach "God's word"
by night score men and crystal meth.
 
It's true, I didn¹t have to pack a bag,
leave my family and friends,
free myself of literal shackles,
and flee to the North.
 
Fortunately,
I just have to change the channel,
keep my chin high, and walk
past hate-filled smiles...
For now.
 
Religious Right?
Oh, the irony.
 
**Opening quote by Frederick Douglass

The Orlando Shakespeare Theater in Partnership with UCF presents Every Christmas Story Ever Told! By Michael Carleton, John Alvarez, and Jim Fitzgerald.

Every Christmas Story Every Told!  Yes, all of them...literally. 

 

Back by popular demand: three actors, twenty tales, 35 characters - all in 90 minutes! Extensive characters, unlimited props, umpteen costume changes. and millions of laughs are generated by three master actors, who create a hilarious comedy by making everyone's favorite holiday tales twisted and demented.  Directed by Jim Helsinger, this holiday romp also features the soon-to-be runaway hit song, "Every Christmas Carol Ever Sung." This show is highly recommended for anyone looking for holiday laughter.

 

Starring Orlando favorites, Timothy (Pumpkin) Williams, Mark Lainer, and Paul Kiernan.  

 

Every Christmas Story Ever Told
 
Opens TONIGHT, Friday, December 4
Playing through December 23
 
Wednesday-Thursday: 7 PM
Friday-Saturday: 8 PM
Sunday: 2 PM
 
Senior Matinees, Wednesday, December 16 & 23 - 2 PM
 
The John & Rita Lowndes Shakespeare Center
812 E. Rollins Street
Orlando, FL  32803
 
$14-$38
 
Student Rush $10: 30 minutes before show with valid Student ID
 
Box Office:  407.447.1700
Online:  www.orlandoshakes.org 
 

 

Seeking all roles for Driving Miss Daisy, to be presented at The Garden Theatre, February 12th-28. Rehearsals begin January 11, 2010, and take place at Orlando Shakes. Aradhana Tiwari will direct.
 

Auditions will be held Monday, December 14 beginning at 6 PM, by appointment only, at The Orlando Shakespeare Theatre (Mandall), located at 812 E. Rollins Street in Orlando at Loch Haven Park.
 
WHAT TO PREPARE:
Actors should be very familiar with the script and be prepared to read from sides. No monologues required.
 
Actors should bring one headshot/resume'.
 
Actors should know their schedule availability for the rehearsal period of January 11th-February 11th.
 
All roles are paid. Non-Union.
 
ROLES:
1 white female - 50+ in age range/type -strong lead character/ with strong line memorization and the ability to play both Jewish and Southern all in one.

 

1 black male - 40+ in age range/type-strong/patient/Southern/
with strong line memorization 

 

1 white male -30-40's in age range/type- businessman/Southern/son

APPOINTMENTS:
To schedule an audition, please contact Beth Marshall at
407-925-6052, or by email at producer@orlandofringe.org by December 13.
 

 

This is an invitation to ALL Central Florida artists to participate in a unique holiday project experiment.  Given the current state of the economy, many of us are finding it challenging enough just to make ends meet, keep a roof over our heads, and food on our tables.  The giving of gifts only adds to the stress of the upcoming holiday season.  So, it is in that spirit that we invite you to participate in the Orlando Artists Holiday Project 2009.

 

This is it in a nutshell: We've set up a space at WANZIE.com  that will serve as host to the project. The idea is to pool all of the local talent and create as many holiday performances as possible, contributing to the overall project.  What we're talking about here is electronic files, be it audio, video, or graphics arts, all uploaded to the main library.  Once you've made a submission to the library, you'll have total access to the library and be able to download other pieces for your own use.  The thought is that you could select from a collection of holiday songs, radio plays, monologues, videos, podcasts, artwork, and create your own multimedia CD or DVD, suitable for gift-giving.  We want graphic artists to contribute their works for cover-art.  We want singers, actors, anyone and any idea that you can think of, to participate. The more involved, the better the overall project.

 

But we'd also like to use this opportunity to thank our audiences who find their way to the theaters, clubs, galleries, and other entertainment venues, for their continued support.  While participating artists can gain access to the library and create as many different collections of holiday performances as they like, the library will not be accessible to anyone else.  This gives you exclusive time to provide unique gifts for your family, friends, and colleagues. To thank our audience members, we'll post one download online for free, each night beginning on Dec. 11th (the first night of Hanukah), and right through to Christmas Day. Then, on the morning of December 25th, the library will be open to all our arts supporters as a special gift of appreciation.  We would like to get as many of the celebrated holidays represented, so please share your own personal holiday celebration.

 

The website is ready to go, and we'll begin uploading files on Monday, November 30th. Once you make a contribution to the library, you'll gain access for your own viewing.  Some of you may already have holiday recordings, in which case you need only upload it or them to participate.  There's no limit on how much you may participate. There's a message board where you can communicate with others in the community, share ideas, find fellow artists or technical folks, and more.  If you can help record, post your email.  If you need other actors, make a note in the message board. All participants will be able to participate in the project.  We've posted links to script libraries as well, where you can find radio play scripts, perfect for audio recordings.  Just about anything that you can think of.  Check it out and share your ideas.

 

http://wanzie.com/holiday_project_2009

 

The more participation - the better the project!  Please pass this information and link to your fellow artistic friends.

 

Contact Rich Charron (rich@WANZIE.com) if you have any questions or concerns.

 

Check out the website and get started today!

 

 Always Serving
 
Pizza   Onion Rings   Fries   Cheese Sticks   Mushrooms
 
Beer    Wine    Full Liquor
 
Every Day's an Occasion at Stonewall Neighborhood Bar!

 
741 W. Church Street
Orlando, FL   32805
 
407.373.0888

 

 

 

• Provide supplies for our weekly peer-to-peer support group
• Fund advertising and web services to keep the youth of our community informed of events and referrals to counseling and crisis services
• Provide social activities for the youth members, like dances & movie nights
• Fund criminal background checks and training for our volunteers
• Pay for insurance

 

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO "HMMMM"
Submitted by Katie Byrnes
 
I just want to make it clear that I did not write this list. I have no idea who wrote it, but they are my hero and I love them forever because this is hilarious and it's all "so me." It has apparently been floating around Facebook for a while, so you may have seen it; but I hope not.
 
If you know who wrote it, let me know. I'd love to give them all the proper credit they deserve, and maybe some hand pleasure, as well.
 
There are 65 musings on the list. Wanzie asked me to break them up into 3 separate postings. Here are this week's first 25 for your enjoyment:
 
1. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
 
2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story, all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
 
3. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
 
4. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
 
5. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
 
6. That's enough, Nickelback.
 
7. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
 
8. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me, and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
 
9. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it, and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no Internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
 
10. There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
 
11. Sometimes I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the fuck was going on when I first saw it.
 
12. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
 
13. The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already
hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably, I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar, so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both Go Left, Both Go Right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past, and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can recognize their own image.
 
14. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
 
15. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
 
16. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
 
17. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
 
18. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah...if you suck at it.
 
19. Was learning cursive really necessary?
 
20. LOL has gone from meaning "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say."
 
21. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
 
22. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a
Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
 
23. My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.
 
24. Whenever someone says, "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart," all I hear is, "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart."
 
25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
 
Katie Byrnes is a recent graduate of the Mom-is-kicking-you-out-of-the nest-so-she-can-have-sex-in-every-room-of-the-house program. She currently resides in Charlotte, North Carolina, and her mother asks that we announce that if you know of a job opening in Charlotte, Katie's mother (Monique Byrnes) is interested on behalf of her daughter!  Katie - according to Monique - is available to do most any job, however,  she is not allowed to work as an escort unless personally arranged/approved by her mother, Monique.  Verification of income required.  Substantial trust fund and/or surgical residency gets extra points.

 

MY DISNEY CRUISE

By Billy Sisco
 
A few weeks ago, I went took a three day cruise on the Disney Wonder.  One of the best things about the Disney Cruise line is that you can bring your own alcohol.  There is one catch; you have to have it in your carry-on bag.  On the top deck, free soda machines are available all day and night...xo bring alcohol that mixes well with soda and your very own mug of happiness.  This is not widely known; in fact, the people I went with didn't know, and they have been on multiple Disney cruises.  To check for yourself, visit http://disneycruise.disney.go.com/faqs/prohibited-items/food-storage-containers/.
 
The first show offering was The Golden Mickeys.  It was an award-style show where classic Disney movies received golden Mickey statues.  There was a red carpet pre-show that featured Rona Rivers interviewing scared little kids just outside the theater. 
 
We were able to get dinner reservations for the Italian restaurant Palo. The food here was amazing, and the server just kept bringing more and more.  After our main course, we were given a pre-dessert while our chocolate soufflé was being prepared.  I am not a fan of chocolate, but I was told it was amazing; it was amazing!  The best part of the restaurant was it was adults only.  At midnight guests were able to see "A Christmas Carol" in 3D the same day it premiered on land.
 
The second day of the cruise offered a stop in Nassau. 

That night we saw the second show of the cruise, Toy Story the Musical.  This was an incredible show.  Disney was able to pull off some magic here.  When Andy or Sid, the human characters in the show, are on stage, small toy-sized puppets are used.  This only happens a few times, but it was a nice effect.  Unlike the theme parks, Woody and Buzz are face characters.  The other toys are full-bodied puppets complete with moving mouths and eyes.
 
After dinner that night, there was a pirate-themed party on the upper deck, complete with a BBQ and fireworks.  After the fireworks, some of the male actors were using the adult pool.  They must have forgotten their bathing suits at Nassau, because they were just wearing skimpy underwear.  At one point, one of the guys lip-synced to "I Will Survive."  It was fierce.

 

The next morning we awoke at Cast-a-way Cay, Disney's private island.  Kelly and I decided we didn't want to wait for the parking tram (remember, it's Disney), so we walked the short distance to the beach area.  We stopped along the way to take pictures of the Flying Dutchman from the Pirates movie.  I decided to jump over the railings on the side of the walkway and take a picture on top of some rocks in front of the prop. On my way back, I was caught by a cast member who asked how my picture came out. You can see for yourselves:

 

On the main beach, if you snorkel you can find one of the 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea submarines from the long extinct attraction. 
 
The last show we saw was Disney Dreams. The show beginning is loosely based on Peter Pan. It begins in a young girl's room as her mother puts her to sleep.  She wishes on a star that she could fly away to the place where wishes come true. The blue fairy from Pinocchio grants her wish if she can find genies, princesses, and kings. Peter Pan flies through her window and helps her re-enact classic Disney stories.  The show had superb technical effects like magic pixie dust covering the entire theater, and amazing puppets in the box seats.  My only complaint about the show was Pumbaa, the warthog from The Lion King.  He looked like he ran full-speed into a wall. That costume should have won a golden Mickey for being the worst.
 
After the show we went to a scavenger hunt.  The host asked each team to show him different objects for points.  One of the first things the host wanted to see was a woman wearing men's shoes.  I knew that a man wearing women's shoes was probably not far behind, so I put a pair on and waited.  When he called for that, I was able to prance my way up ahead of everyone else. It was fun.  If you go to this event when you cruise, make sure to bring some money with you. You don't need to spend it, but they ask for things found on dollar bills.
 
On another note, that day Bingo was offered.  It was advertised that everyone who attended received a free Tinkerbell change purse.  In order to receive your purse, you had to buy expensive Bingo cards.  HINT: Before you go on your Disney Cruise, stop by Beach Blanket Bingo on Wednesday nights at the Parliament House and get cards from Wanzie.  They use the exact same cards.
 
I think that the Disney Cruise Line is a great vacation.  It was relaxing and fun.  I cannot wait to take another one.  I want to thank Kelly, Joanne, and Jim Heuss for taking me.  It was the vacation of a lifetime.
 
Billy Sisco is a Beach Blanket Bingo regular who currently earns his living playing Baby Bop in the Barney show at Universal Studios alongside Joe (Mr. Peek-A-Boo) Swanberg. His mascot character performing skills have taken him to far off regions of the world, including Singapore and Europe.  Billy is a member in good standing with Orlando Glee-Hab, who has the distinction of having drank an entire bottle of Captain Morgan all by himself during a recent group outing to Epcot.
 
 

Submit YOUR TWO CENTS:
 

My Two Cents submissions must be received no later than midnight on each Monday for possible inclusion in the next Friday GRAM. A strict limit of 350 words will be imposed. Please submit your column directly to WANZIE at michael@wanzie.com and kindly type "My Two Cents" in the subject line.

 

 

THEATER - RENT

 

A List of Coming and Ongoing Attractions, which are not featured elsewhere in your current WANZeGRAM

 

ONGOING / NOW PLAYING

 

It's been a very busy week getting ready for our opening night tomorrow.

 

It's been a truly challenging rehearsal process since on any given night of the week at least two cast members had a gig, whether it be Bingo, Camp Drag, Trivia, Karaoke or Sleuth's...there was always a conflict.  Other than the table read just slightly over two weeks ago, the entire cast has only been at one rehearsal together at the same time.

 

I was aware of this scheduling issue before I decided to adapt A Christmas Carol into the Glittering Star-Studded Spectacle we will be premiering tomorrow night at the Footlight Theatre.

 

The fact of the matter is all the performers involved all agreed to be available for a Christmas show on Saturdays in December.  We had originally planned on doing a spoof of The Magnificent Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular, but we did not want to do that concept half way. We intended (and still do) that it be fully costumed ala Radio City and When Pigs Fly, and it was to be highly choreographed. Well, everyone's schedules and obligations changed along the way, and we were drinking in a bar one day when one of us mentioned to the others that there was less than four weeks remaining before the "Christmas Show," whatever that might end up being, was slated to open.  We knew we couldn't pull off the Radio City Idea to the extent we will one day produce it, so we quickly abandoned that concept. Then we all compared schedules and realized we are never all off work and available at the same time. But canceling the show was not an option because everyone had arranged to not be working on Saturdays in December, turning down other paying gigs, and even changing holiday travel plans to accommodate the performance schedule. So I had an actual obligation to the performers at hand to come up with something we could mount quickly, with minimal rehearsal time together - that could be rehearsed in segments with one or two persons at a time, and then all meld together on tech night. But the concept also had to be in keeping with what I hope are high expectations from the ticket buying public when they come to see a show I have personally written and produced, and with which the names associated with this show are associated.

 

Thus it is precisely because of all these challenges that I chose to adapt Dickens timeless Christmas classic, and I believe, we as a team, have done so in a way that no one before us has quite done.

 

Regardless of how quickly we had to put the show together, I believe the end product is actually funnier then if we had the time to do the Radio City spoof.

 

It's great when you love going to rehearsal and everyone is having a ball putting all the pieces together.

 

Carol Lee, Miss Sammy, Gidget, Doug White, Marcy Singhaus, and Doug Bowser and I have been having such a good time building this show, drawing on everyone's creative input, and we are sincerely excited to present it to you.

 

This show has no nudity. No partial nudity, even. There is no vulgarity. There is no sexual innuendo. No social statements. No religion bashing, and no anti-republican sentiment in the show what so ever.  There isn't even a single mention of homosexuality. There is not even a marginally offensive line in the entire script, save the casual use of the "F" word once or twice.

 

Without even realizing it, we strayed from formula, divorced ourselves from the serious themes I usually weave into my comedies, and instead realized we had created just what we all needed for the Holidays:  a show that is purely and simply entertaining for entertainment's sake with nothing to ponder beyond Dickens' original message that we should keep the spirit of Christmas in our hearts every day of the year. Our little show will hopefully surprise and delight you...I guarantee it will make you laugh...a lot...and best of all we leave you with nothing to think about or to argue about, and we give you no reason to shed a tear, except the happy kind.

 

So in conclusion, if you are looking for the standard Wanzie fare - this isn't it.

 

Don't misunderstand me, though...this show is so wrong on so many levels...in that way it is precisely what you would expect from Carol Lee, and I, and Doug, et al...but solely for the purposes of laughter.  We don't even make fun of Canadians or straight people in this play. But it has, indeed, been fun to collaborate with all these talented friends to bring to you nothing more than a really fun night at the theater.

 

It's perfect Holiday Fare.

 

I hope to see you there at Wanzie's GLITTERING STAR-STUDED A CHRISTMAS CAROL: A Dickens-Inspired Celebrity Cavalcade Holiday Spectacle.

 

Happy Holidays!
 

I'm WANZIE and That's All I Wrote!

 

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